The Team (Mismanagement at Its Finest)
Niklas – The Lead Architect of Regrett
Niklas insists everything is “basically done and functional,” even when it’s broken or hasn’t even started. If something isn’t working, it’s always someone else’s fault. He defends bad ideas with extreme confidence and blames the team for “not thinking things through” after decisions are made. Loves pizza.
Kaspar – The Security Genius (Sort of)
Kaspar mostly copy-pastes random GitHub snippets without understanding them. Uses “admin” and “123456” as credentials everywhere. Once locked himself inside his own car. Claims “nobody will hack us”—and if they do, “it was a shitty system anyway.” Suggests unplugging the server at night for security. Can chug a beer faster than anyone on the team.
Marko – The Tokenomics Disaster
Marko buys half-off, half-rotten groceries and believes he’s saving money. His tokenomics ideas include “infinite minting but with a cap” and “a token that only rises in value.” Spends more time arguing than doing math. Refuses to share his real name because he’s “too famous already.” Believes a calculator is smarter than him only because it has batteries.
Lukas – The HR & Community Manager Who Hates People
Lukas believes everyone is a moron and bans random users (and teammates) for “not believing in the vision.” Doesn’t care about building a follower base because “they’re all just a bunch of knobs, why bother?” Thinks any criticism is a personal attack and mutters about “the good old days when you could just stick your enemies’ heads on a pike.” Has an impressive collection of knives (probably not a threat).
Marek – The Marketing Catastrophe
Marek writes press releases full of typos and unverified claims. Once listed a nonexistent item for sale but still succeeded because it was delivered anyway due to an error. Spends €50 in a casino, wins €20, and thinks he’s ahead. Believes bankruptcy is a conspiracy. Somehow always gets free drinks at bars. Probably after paying for them and forgetting about it.
Erik – The Tech Guy Who Breaks More Than He Fixes
Erik has no idea how Solana works but refuses to ask for help. His motto: “I will fix it later”, followed by “I never made such a promise.” Persuaded the team that Windows Server 2003 is secure enough. Is actively working on downgrading the team’s equipment. Can reassemble a motherboard using only duct tape and bad decisions.
Felix – The Investor Relations Nightmare
Felix starts every pitch with “I’m certain you just don’t get it, but—” Hates investors but loves their money. Falls into deep depression when someone rejects a €2 deal. Willing to invest €500 to earn €5 and expects investors to think the same. Disappears when things go bad—sometimes even sooner. Owns an expensive-looking suit he never wears.
We wrote each other’s descriptions, then voted the funniest (and most precise) to be posted here. That went well. Vibes around here are full of trust, good will and brotherly love. Not.